I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
