I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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