i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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