She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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