You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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