I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
