Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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