every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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