filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
