Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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