Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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