He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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