remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
