god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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