I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
