you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
