Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
