I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
