sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize