wakey wakey hands off snakey
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
