i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
