she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I have aggressive nipples.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
