I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
