Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
