I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
