the condom got lost in my hair
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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