I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
