She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
