he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
