chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
i've created a new STD.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
