he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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