We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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