I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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