There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
