i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
