I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
