my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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