imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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