a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He better not be in your backpack
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
