I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I didn't notice because vodka
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You brought string cheese to the strip club
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Randomize
