Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
