mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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