4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
