My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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