Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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