You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
