Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
