i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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