im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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