allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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