I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
